my new favorite font is "chiller" but it comes up either way small or overlapping here so i can't rilly use it 

so today was about the worst day in...forever.  maybe not, but it sure felt like it there for a while.  it started even before i went over to watch the brats.. daisy-my mom's dog..this long haired, crazy lil yappy dog...well, mom let her out in the backyard to crap this morning & when she came in...well, lets just say she didn't leave it out there (the crap, that is).  mom was rushing to get outta here to go to work so that left me to either ignore the smell or to try to clean her up some.  so yah- that was fun.  then, as my entry from earlier hinted at, bradly & brett were perfect lil angels this morning ... i took them to school a lil bit earlier than normal cuz i was just so sick of them.  when i came home, i was just sitting down to have a quick breakfast when i remembered that i had a dentist appointment.. so i got to rush over there and deal with that.  i had been hoping for a while to get my teeth whitened but they told me it costs...get this... $600!!!    so i'm thinkin i'll prolly have to pass on that.  try out some of those crest things or sumthin.  sumthin that doesn't cost $600... and the lady was like, well we have another procedure--you do it yourself--and its only $450.. i'm like...right....... so that kinda frustrated.  i mean, i figured it would be expensive but thats crazy.  looks like i'm just gonna have to give up my coffee  .    (wow.. i'm incorporating these lil faces quite nicely tonite. hehe..)

anyways, so i came home from the dentist and like..outta nowhere, the downstairs toilet started running over..  we have this retarded plunger that i think was supposed to look all hi-tech (a hi-tech plunger?  eh?) but rilly, it just makes life more difficult.. so i couldn't get the toilet unclogged...and it was like..possessed or sumthin.  for real.  like, it just kept running--the water.. and it frickin flooded the whole back of the house!!  the bathroom, the hall, the laundry room..!! omigoodness.    so yah- i was gettin real real mad..  i mean, rilly.  like, so bad i can't even remember the last time i lost it like that.  i seriously threw a lil tantrum right there in the bathroom..only not so lil..  stomping my feet and yellin..the whole deal...  can't say that i'm proud of myself..  when i finally got the stupid toilet fixed and went out into the hallway to survey the damage, i got even more angry and...heres the climax of the story...kicked a hole in the wall!! well, the goal wasn't a hole but that was definately the consequence. omigoodnes..  yah.  i'm awesome.  i know.  so my first thought was 'o crap.  my moms gonna kill me.'   i cleaned up the river of toilet water with blankets, towels, and other random things that were laying around, thru 'em in the washer.. and then debated for a bit whether i should try to lie (which by the way, i can't do to save my life) and tell my mom i didn't know how the hole got there or to come straight out and call her at work to explain what had happened.  well, go me--i made the right decision for the first time today and called her.  she was actually rilly great about everything.. she let me vent bout all that'd been goin on and was just tellin me to try to calm down and that we'd deal with the hole later.  i mean, she wasn't happy about it but she didn't freak out at all either which was such a relief cuz i was preparing for the worst.  

when i was tellin erica bout the whole episode, she said she couldn't believe i did that--the whole hole thing.. so i mean, its not like i run around kicking and punching things.. oy.. 

anyways, after that was all done with, i decided i didn't wanna go to classes, text messaged jim to let him know i was skipping, and chilled in front of the tv for a bit... jim called me around 2 (right before that stupid science class was gonna start) and asked if i wanted to hang out with him & erica.. so we ended up going to el rincon.  i didn't get anything to eat but we sat there and talked for a while and it was cool. 

still haven't talked to melany about the boys.  my mom says i should.  i'll prolly try to catch her sometime this weekend..  i just want to tell her that they need to either a.) teach their kids how to behave   or   b.) find someone else to deal with them in the AMs    cuz i can't handle that level of disrespect from a couple of lil boys.  they're awful.. geez. 

so that was my day.  yesterday was a whole lot better-- kat & i went to El Puente (not as good as El Rincon but not bad either...) and to see Shark Tale which wasn't as good as i was expecting after Chris's promotions of it (hehe) but it made me laugh..

i suspect tomorrow will be better as well.. or i hope it will be anyways.  i have a Shakespeare mid-term in the AM but its FRIDAY so i can overlook that..  well, i can't overlook it too much..i need to at least pass but..eh...    don't care too much..

welp, guess thats all i've got. 

i'm out. 

omigoodness.  i can't stand these kids any more.  5 days a week i'm over here from 7:30 in the morning until i take them to school at 8:15.  i can't do this anymore.  the dogs are loud & obnoxious but the kids are a hundred times worse.  they pay me $40 a week but $200 wouldn't be enough.  i'm so sick of this.  they are the most disrespectful kids i've ever known in my entire life.  think bradly just read this and now they're upstairs.  o my gosh.  i'm done.  i'm talking to melany tonite...

i feel like such a flake.  i'm sure thats how i sound on here.  i don't even know where to begin in trying to explain everything running thru my mind. 

i guess the first thing would be to say that the only reason i'm in school is to make my mom happy.  i thought for a minute that i was there, at least in the smallest way, for myself as well, but i'm pretty sure that to say that would be a massive stretch.

the next in line to mention would have to be that i'm pretty sure i don't have a clue what i'm supposed to do with my life.. or even what i want to do with my life.  i've always been a writer.  i've been writing poetry and short stories practically since i was old enuf to write..so it only seemed logical to major in english with all that in the back of my mind.  well, this is my first semester as a declared english major.  i only have 2 classes specifically related to my major.  neither of which are writing classes... the classes i plan to take next semester are all required classes--critical reading & writing, american literature, world civilzations, english literature, the american short story, and introduction to linguistics.  thats a whole crap load of credits--17 hours--of stuff i don't have any desire to study.. so here i am.. despising nearly every minute of this semester where i only have 14 credits and i'm thinking about adding a few more hours onto that next semester?  why??  simple answer--so i can get out of there faster.  i hate school.  i hate going to school.  i hate being in classes.  i hate coming home and having to worry about school.  i hate it.

so i should do something about that right?  i mean, that would be the smart thing to do...  if someone hates something so much, why should they continue to be a part of it if its not something that they absolutely have to do?

another simple answer comin atcha-- because i'm scared.  i'm scared to drop out of school.  i'm scared to disappoint my mom more than i already have--afterall, shes the only family i've got.  i'm scared that if i ever got the guts to drop out, i wouldn't know what else to do with myself.  i'm scared to fail...

i have all these ideas of what i could do...things i mite like to do at some point or another.  but i don't really have a passion.  there is no one thing in my life that i really truely love and want to spend the next ___ years doing.  i mean, i would "love" to write but i'm pretty sure i don't have enuf talent to make that my "career"..

school is something that people need to want to do when it gets to the point of college... you can't be there for anyone but yourself and expect to do well... well, i can't anyways.  i have no motivation to do any of my work.  i don't read for any of my classes any more.  i've completely stopped going to one of them.  i wait until the last possible minute to work on papers, study for exams, and prepare for projects...

and now i'm gonna cry.

gosh.  i'm such a turd. 

i feel so... lost.  i've been distancing myself from the people around me for a long time.  i really don't have a desire to go hang out anymore..most of the time i'm just going with the flow so i have less time to think.

...because...when i think...i have to acknowledge the fact that i don't know what i believe, if anything, anymore.  when i think, i have to acknowledge that the only real family i have is my mom.  i have several "half" sibs but they're even more screwed up than i am and i haven't talked to them since we met to scatter my dad's ashes in june.  i have an uncle & cousin in alaska who won't respond to any of the attempts that we've made to contact them in the past 5 years b/c of sumthin that happened back when my grandpa died... i have several other relatives here & there but i'm sure that when my mom dies, i'll lose contact with them... when my mom dies.  geez.  that scares me more than anything else.  i don't know what i'll do when i lose her.  i mean, we have our share of arguements but what else do i have?

i think, ultimately, i'm scared to be alone.  the thing is, where i'm at right now, what i'm doing, and where i'm headed..i can totally see myself being that crazy old woman who lives by herself with all 67 of her cats... all the curtains are shut.  people never see her leave, nor do they see anyone enter...they sometimes wonder if shes even still alive...

wow.  how did i get from complaining bout school to this?  guess thats whats on my mind. 

i'm sure i sound like a crazy depressed girl who needs some kind of help... but its not like that, i don't think.       or maybe it is.     i don't know much of anything.

sleep sounds good at this point. 

i'm out.

i felt so bad.. had to take duncan to get neutered this morning and he looked so confused when i left him with the vet.  poor lil kitty..he'll get over it tho..

i'm at school right now, procrastinating.  i could be reading or doing homework.. nah..  so whats been goin on?  eh..not much.  i don't even know what i wrote about last time.  well, wednesday nite (i think) i hung out with jim, chris, mike & erica.  that was fun.  didn't do much but chris was acting all retarded and i was amused.  yesterday, i had to go get a cavity filled that i'm still not convinced was actually there (long story..) they had to remove a lil piece of my gums and omigoodness--the dentist was crazy... he was not gentle in any sense of the word-my head was bein jerked all around and if the whole left half of my head hadn't been numb (seriously--all the way back to my ear..) i prolly woulda been cryin.  so yah..now i have a random stitch in the back of my mouth that i have to go have taken out next week.  i will have spent like.. $70 in "co-pays" by the time i'm done with all this BS.  gosh, i love the dentist..  on a somewhat related and much brighter note, i'm supposedly gettin the braces off my bottom teeth next month.  not sure whats gonna happen with my top teeth--if he'll just have me keep wearing my retainer or what...

anyways, i was heading home from the dentist yesterday when candice from the cafe called and asked if i could fill in for aaron cuz he had something come up and they needed someone to work from 5-7:30.. i was so out of it that i was just kinda like..yah..sure... then i realized that i was supposed to go to this concert with kat at the lime spider and had to hunt down her mom's work number so i could get the message to kat.  felt bad but i think she still ended up going so thats good.  i ended up stayin out at the cafe until about 9 just talkin to aaron (when he got back from his meeting) about things goin on out there.  he has a lot of good ideas and i'm thinkin (and prayin) about possibly offering my time for a postion he needs filled.  i don't wanna bring it up rilly, tho, until i'm sure about it.  supposed to work out there again on saturday--they asked me to do that a week or so ago so not as last minute as last nite.  it should be cool tho cuz theres this band playin (or maybe its just one guy-acoustic type thing) while i'm there.. i met him very briefly while i was there & he seems cool.

well, i guess i should go attempt some sort of productiveness..

peace

so i've come to the conclusion that i just don't know anything...

...that as soon as i begin to think i've gotten a feel for life & its substance, i completely lose it all...

...that i'd be better off having no expectations, no hopes, no dreams...

...that it takes too much effort to put forth effort & it be easier to just go along, merely surviving...

so i haven't written in a few days and quite a bit has happened.. not sure if i feel like goin into much detail but heres how its been...if anyone actually cares..

on thursday i hung out with jim & his boyfriend-chris... i'd met chris once before when we were at geauga lake cuz he works in one of the haunted houses up there.  it was fun nite (thurs.).  chris seems pretty cool.  really funny.  i laughed alot.  we went to rocknes and then to the haunted school house & laboratory..which by the way, i remember now, why i was never a fan of either of them..they pretty much suck.  i mean..definately not worth the money it costs.  it was fun anyways.  jim walked in front, chris in the middle and i was in the back.  theres this area where the ceiling drops way down and so u r bent over or squating as u go thru there.. well, chris decided to shake his butt in my face.. he later told me he was expecting me to pinch his butt or smack him..all i could do was laugh at him..for obvious reasons. 

friday i ended up sleepin in too late to make it to my first class--shakespeare.  wasn't all that disappointed.  i'm rilly wishin we were on quarters.  i think it would be good for me.. classes would be changing about the time that i really start to get sick of them.. i'm at that point right now.  i already have my schedule planned for next semester even tho i can't schedule until nov. 17... anyways, after classes, i stopped by my house for a quick minute then headed for PA to visit cassie.  it was cool hanging out with her.  that nite we got pizza & rented a movie--mean girls.  i wasn't a huge fan of it.. it was cute but i don't think i would ever watch it again.  we talked for a while.. christine called & we talked to her... crashed fairly early.  got up around 9 saturday AM and went to their homecoming parade.  seems like a huge percentage of the school is fraternity/sorority...maybe it was just cuz most of cassie's friends are involved. dunno. anyways, after that we went for brunch and then i had to head out cuz i had a lot to do for school (not that i ended up actually doin much but thats me i guess) & cuz she had stuff goin on with alumni for sumthin shes a part of.

saturday nite i went out to eat with my mom & then to walmart..hung out with kat when i came home from that.  we just chilled at barnes & noble then went to fridays for a bit.  it was cool. 

today..didn't do much.  played that stupid Sims 2 game..worked on hw.  went to friendly's with erica & kat towards evening.. and now i sit here.. i need to get to bed.  this week starts the every morning with bradly & brett thing.  its gonna be a long week.  i can feel it coming.

life is always an adventure. 

so my mom called me an hour or 2 ago and asked me to mow the front yard.  i wasn't really in the mood so i procrastinated for a while then finally went out to get the chore done with so i wouldn't have to hear her nag.  rolled the stupid machine out into the front...i was almost finished when it ran out of gas.. i walked up the driveway and what should i find but that the gate had somehow slammed shut.  our gate only opens from the inside and it used to be that it practically took one of those guys from the power team to get the lock in place but today--apparently not the case. 

went across the street to kat's house to ask joni (her mom) if they had a key to our house.  well, yah..they have a key to our house and just about everyone else's on this street as well as for relatives and other friends..and none of them are labeled.. tried these 2 that were on a summa key chain--logical...my mom works for summa.  neither of them worked on the front or the side door.. so i took it back and told joni that i'd just try to get the gate open somehow.  she said she'd keep looking for another summa key chain cuz she thought she remembed it being on one...

well, i came back to my house and only God knows why there was a snow shovel leaning against the side of the house at the beginning of autumn, perhaps only for today's adventure..i took it back, put it over the side of the gate, which is about 7 feet tall prolly, and was standing there tryin to see thru the fraction-of-a-centimeter-wide cracks between the fence/gate wooden planks..or whatever the friggen name of those things is..the whole time i was just imagining a cop coming down the street, seeing me tryin to break into the back yard, all of my neighbors mysteriously gone so as no one around to ID me..and having to try to explain to the cop y i was holding a snow shovel over the fence.. 

so i was standing there just messing with the gate.. went to pull on it and via some sort of miracle it finally opened.  i got all excited.. went and got the gas for the lawn mower, finished the last strip of grass and came inside.  joni came over not long after i'd made my grand break-in to check out her collection of keys.  when she figured out which key opens my door, i made a mental note for the next time i get locked out. haha...

fun fun times.. i'm so glad i can laugh about it all 

i had a good weekend for the most part.  saturday i went to geauga lake with jim, mike & erica.  mike was getting on my nerves but i'm over it.. we dropped him off at his apartment then went to the haunted woods which was great fun as always.  went to IHOP after that and by then it was somewhere around 12 or 1..normally i woulda been wide awake but after spending the day walkin around geauga lake, then going to the haunted woods..i was dead.

today i hung out with kat.. we went to the grand opening of the main library downtown.  had to wait for what felt like forever--all these different people gave their lil speeches which i, quite frankly, could have done without.. the library is sweet tho.  crazy huge and really nice.  i was highly impressed.  it should be, i guess, seein as how its taken 'em prolly 4 years to get it done.  there were masses of people in there and real loud but kat & i found a nice quiet corner on the bottom floor, that looked out onto main street, and read...after we got our free cookies & lemonade/cider of course.  hehe..it was good times. 

came home and kinda worked on some hw but ab called and asked if i could come over & help her with math so hey--productive (for her at least) procrastination (for me).  it was cool tho cuz i really don't see/talk to her much anymore.  i'm always glad to help people out when i can.

finished my hw...and now i'm sittin here tryin to figure out what i can do until the coffee i had earlier wears off. 

guess i'm out. 

peace.