October 26, 2004

• i feel like such a flake.  i'm sure thats how i sound on here.  i don't even know where to begin in trying to explain everything running thru my mind. 

  
  

  i guess the first thing would be to say that the only reason i'm in school is to make my mom happy.  i thought for a minute that i was there, at least in the smallest way, for myself as well, but i'm pretty sure that to say that would be a massive stretch.

  
  

  the next in line to mention would have to be that i'm pretty sure i don't have a clue what i'm supposed to do with my life.. or even what i want to do with my life.  i've always been a writer.  i've been writing poetry and short stories practically since i was old enuf to write..so it only seemed logical to major in english with all that in the back of my mind.  well, this is my first semester as a declared english major.  i only have 2 classes specifically related to my major.  neither of which are writing classes... the classes i plan to take next semester are all required classes--critical reading & writing, american literature, world civilzations, english literature, the american short story, and introduction to linguistics.  thats a whole crap load of credits--17 hours--of stuff i don't have any desire to study.. so here i am.. despising nearly every minute of this semester where i only have 14 credits and i'm thinking about adding a few more hours onto that next semester?  why??  simple answer--so i can get out of there faster.  i hate school.  i hate going to school.  i hate being in classes.  i hate coming home and having to worry about school.  i hate it.

  
  

  so i should do something about that right?  i mean, that would be the smart thing to do...  if someone hates something so much, why should they continue to be a part of it if its not something that they absolutely have to do?

  
  

  another simple answer comin atcha-- because i'm scared.  i'm scared to drop out of school.  i'm scared to disappoint my mom more than i already have--afterall, shes the only family i've got.  i'm scared that if i ever got the guts to drop out, i wouldn't know what else to do with myself.  i'm scared to fail...

  
  

  i have all these ideas of what i could do...things i mite like to do at some point or another.  but i don't really have a passion.  there is no one thing in my life that i really truely love and want to spend the next ___ years doing.  i mean, i would "love" to write but i'm pretty sure i don't have enuf talent to make that my "career"..

  
  

  school is something that people need to want to do when it gets to the point of college... you can't be there for anyone but yourself and expect to do well... well, i can't anyways.  i have no motivation to do any of my work.  i don't read for any of my classes any more.  i've completely stopped going to one of them.  i wait until the last possible minute to work on papers, study for exams, and prepare for projects...

  
  

  and now i'm gonna cry.

  
  

  gosh.  i'm such a turd. 

  
  

  i feel so... lost.  i've been distancing myself from the people around me for a long time.  i really don't have a desire to go hang out anymore..most of the time i'm just going with the flow so i have less time to think.

  
  

  ...because...when i think...i have to acknowledge the fact that i don't know what i believe, if anything, anymore.  when i think, i have to acknowledge that the only real family i have is my mom.  i have several "half" sibs but they're even more screwed up than i am and i haven't talked to them since we met to scatter my dad's ashes in june.  i have an uncle & cousin in alaska who won't respond to any of the attempts that we've made to contact them in the past 5 years b/c of sumthin that happened back when my grandpa died... i have several other relatives here & there but i'm sure that when my mom dies, i'll lose contact with them... when my mom dies.  geez.  that scares me more than anything else.  i don't know what i'll do when i lose her.  i mean, we have our share of arguements but what else do i have?

  
  

  i think, ultimately, i'm scared to be alone.  the thing is, where i'm at right now, what i'm doing, and where i'm headed..i can totally see myself being that crazy old woman who lives by herself with all 67 of her cats... all the curtains are shut.  people never see her leave, nor do they see anyone enter...they sometimes wonder if shes even still alive...

  
  

  wow.  how did i get from complaining bout school to this?  guess thats whats on my mind. 

  
  

  i'm sure i sound like a crazy depressed girl who needs some kind of help... but its not like that, i don't think.       or maybe it is.     i don't know much of anything.

  
  

  sleep sounds good at this point. 

  
  

  i'm out.

  • 11:54 pm
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