February 18, 2005

• wow. 

  
  

  i seriously have to be just about the most dense person alive.

  
  

  i am hesitant in writing bc to be totally honest, i'm a bit emotional (for lack of a better word) right now.  but if u r going to read on, be aware that i am warning u...i'm not sure of what..just that i am warning u. 

  
  

  so the reason i say i'm dense is because i'm finally realizing what i now believe God has been trying to pound into my head for many many years--

  
  

  --i am afraid.  i am afraid to let others get close.  ...this all sounds so incredibly cliche and theres a good chance that this hasn't/won't affect "you"..but tonite it just all came crashing down around me...and things that have happened over the years are just now starting to make sense. 

  
  

  this whole thing started earlier today when i read kats online journal...it scared the crap outta me.  i guess some guy basically tried to 'kidnap' her last nite.. she wrote "that could have been my life" and i was just kinda..in shock.  she has been my friend for as long as i can remember and tho we've been thru many...stages...i will always consider her one of my "best" friends.. i've just been thanking God that nothing worse happened cuz...yah.  don't even have words for that...

  
  

  anyways...so i started thinking to myself, "what if something more had happened?  what if this morning, instead of reading about it in her journal, i was reading about it in the paper or hearing about it from someone else?"  and that made me think about things that have gone down in the past and what i would do if anything ever rilly happened to her... or to other people for that matter... 

  
  

  ...which brings me to...well, i was supposed to go to osu with cassie this weekend to see esta & yonn...and i was rilly excited...until i got on this whole thinking kick today.  thinking? yah--bad idea for me.  i should avoid it altogether...  i guess my deal there is...i see how close they are--cassie, ess & yonn...and, as hard as this is for me to say--esp. in writing--i'm jealous of that.. 

  
  

  but the thing is-- i have, for a long time now, distanced myself from people.. and i dont think its that i'm a 'loner' cuz in all those dumb surveys that get passed around online, when the question comes up that asks, "what is your greatest fear?" or sumthin along those lines..my answer is always-- "of being alone."  even the people that i have and do consider "close" don't know much about "me".. i talk a lot but i generally try to keep things as surface as possible.  i'm rarely the one to "make the first move" or suggest going somewhere and doing something..

  
  

  and tonite as all this was running thru my mind..as i was realizing all the people in my life--past & present--that i've held at a distance..--i realized that...i have also been trying to hold God at a distance..

  
  

  it all makes sense now...

  
  

  i guess its good that i'm realizing these things at this point in my life as opposed to 20 years down the road....but its still a lot to take in..

  
  

  and maybe a lot of other people do this as well..i mean--i don't think i'm "special" or anything.  i realize that other people have issues like this and worse..

  
  

  but yeah--so those are my thoughts as of right now.  i don't share them here for any sort of sympathy..i'm not even rilly looking for empathy.  they are just my thoughts...

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  i keep going back and re-reading what i've written...wondering what people will think if they read this..  man.. it never ends.. haha....

  
  

  but God is good whether i try to hold him at a distance or not..

  
  

  ...and i am finally exhausted (mind body and soul) so off to bed i go....

  • 12:53 am
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