December 4, 2005

• i still miss him

   

  
  

  i just watched an old "home movie" from 1992. 

  
  

  man. 

  
  

  was my dad down in WV.  around the old house & the hollow.  driving thru town.  and on his way up to ohio. 

  
  

  at one point towards the end of the video while he was driving, he said "here's what i've been waitin on, krissy--its 77N and i know that in about an hour and a half i'll be seeing ya."

  
  

  i almost wanna sit here and wait.  see if he shows up.

  
  

  god. 

  
  

  will this ever get any easier?

  
  

  i miss him so much.  it hurts.  it literally--physically--hurts.

  
  

  its been a long time since i last had the courage to watch that video and the first time he said my name on it...god, i almost couldn't take it.

  
  

  and then there were other points throughout the movie that i just sat there on the floor about a foot away from the television, with my eyes closed, and tried to imagine that i was there, in 1992, sitting in that kitchen down in the hollow, listening to him talk.

  
  

  sometimes it just doesn't feel fair that other people get to call someone dad.  that they can hear their own name come out of that person's mouth.  that they can feel his touch when he gently squeezes their shoulder as he walks past. 

  
  

  
  
  i was talking to a guy out at the cafe earlier.  his dad is pretty sick.  when i said that i knew what he was going through, i had to go on to explain that my dad died the day after my 18th birthday.  "o geez," the guy responded.  yeah. o geez.  and i wanted to tell him to hang on to every single moment that he has with his dad.  to store away the sound of his voice and the way he laughs, the way his eyes look when he smiles and all the stupid little stories he tells.  i wanted to tell him to get out a freaking pad of paper, if need be, and write it all down.  so that when that day comes--though i hope its not any time soon--he will be able to remember everything. 

  
  

  i wish i had the chance to go back in time and just sit there with my dad and talk to him about everything in the world.  listen to his whole life story.  ask him questions--stupid stuff like "whats your favorite color?" and "if you could have a super-power for one day, what would it be?"  i wish i could go back and do the things with him that he always talked about doing but never had the opportunity like going up in a hot air balloon or a blimp. 

  
  

  i still miss him and i guess i probably always will...i mean, its been about 2 and a half years and i don't know that its gotten any easier so what can i do?

  
  

   

  
  

  
   

  
  

  yeah.  ok.  well i better stop now or i'll still be sitting here at 4:30 waiting for him to walk thru the front door.

  
  

  
   

  • 3:37 am
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