this guy i've been talking to asked me tonight, joking around, if i hate men.  of course i laughed and said no, but it got me thinking...

no, i don't hate men--quite the opposite, really --but there is something in me that hesitates to trust them.  not all but quite a few and esp. those i've not known long. 

i guess i can pick out a few specific examples to justify why i might feel this way but this is bad..right?  might get in the way of that whole marriage thing which i *would* like to do at some point in my life..

huh. 

p.s.

week 5 is just about up. 
10 weeks left.

crazy.

...am i such an idiot?

 it's late.  and i have to get up early. 

work 9-2, intern 3-4:30, class 5-6:30. 

lots to do and i'm just a slacker.

stupid dog has fully recovered. 

you think there's any way i can get some of that anesthesia they used at pet guard?  you know...just low doses to kind of calm her down a bit, every once in while?

just kidding.

mostly.

well, yesterday we definitely had kids at the institute.  ((i just realized that it probably sounds like i'm talking about a *mental* institute when i say "institute" but i don't know how to abbreviate "international institute of akron."  on the website, it's just iia but that looks strange to me.))  i'm there 4 days a week and even though it's only a couple hours of my day, i feel like it is really becoming a big part of life.  it makes me think about post-graduation stuff a lot..

3 weeks down, 12 to go.

crazy.

i'm liking the internship though i gotta say i don't much feel like an intern.  especially yesterday--none of our kids showed up (prolly bc of the rain--most walk) so it was just me, the girl that is "in charge," another intern, and a couple volunteers.  it was cool though.  we wanted to stick around for a while in case anyone showed up so the 5 of us just talked a bit.  the one girl is pre-med in some crazy accelerated program at akron.  she has been living in the states for 11 years but was originally a refugee from... Ukraine, i think. 

i take soooo much for granted.  its ridiculous. 

in other news... cookie is 7 months old.  about 55 lbs, prolly.  and getting spayed today.  i felt so bad leaving her there.  she had no idea what was going on. 

poor pooch. 

well, i should get some homework done before i have to go to the institute.

peace--

((by the by, i appreciate the prayer))

no regrets.

"wake up, dummy" the cop says, poking my new neighbor through the window with a guitar. 

yeah.  i love my street. 

dude passed out in the upstairs apartment next to me & when his stereo had been skipping for about a half hour, someone called the police.  police showed up, were shining lights through the windows, yelling--nothin.  finally, the guy who lives on the other side of the apartment, brought out a ladder and the police climbed up onto the porch roof and got the kids attention by poking him with a guitar that was apparently laying inside on the floor by the window.  the kid then proceeded to flick him off before kindly allowing the officer to climb in so he wouldn't have to go back down the ladder.

hilarious.

ever find yourself thinking about some great post you've just got to get on xanga but by the time you have a moment to sit down, it is just gone..?

earlier today i realized that i've not posted much real here lately and figured it was time for a good, honest post.  (not that anyone cares, but that's ok--xanga is as much for my own venting as anything else.)  but the day went on...classes, homework, running into random people on campus, crazy & unbelievably frustrating zoo at home...and my mind is far from what i'd planned on writing.

well, let me start with this--i go in tomorrow for my first day as an "intern" at the international institue of akron.  scary.  i'm an intern.  sounds v. strange to me.  it really isn't a big deal though.  not a lot of hours at all and assuming i ever meet with the girl who is kind of running the program that i'll be working with, i think next monday (when it really starts) will be a lot of fun.  i hope, anyway.  don't think i mentioned on here--i'm going to be basically running 2 of the 4 days of an afterschool program called ASPIRE.  a group of ESL kids from the school(s) in the area. 

hard to believe that this is all really happening.  not only the internship but graduating.  i have 13 1/2 weeks left of under-grad classes. 

and after that--i'm sure i've mentioned this--i'll probably be taking off the spring & summer then going to Grad School the following fall.  the two main schools i'm looking at right now are NYU and the U of Pittsburgh which has an entire Linguistics department.  not something you see very often. 

i'm also half-considering about a million other things--other than grad school--but grad school is safest and if i'm being completely honest here, then i've got to admit that i'm more than just a little nervous about the future. 

what happens if i turn out to be a really awful ESL teacher?  or i hate it for some reason?  what do i do then?  become a copy editor for some little town company?  better yet--work at the akron-summit county public library as a shelver for the rest of my life??  yeah. 

thinking about all of that leads more towards what i was wanting to write about earlier today::  when i think about my future, it seems a natural thing to then think about my past as well.  four years ago i was a high school senior (is that right??) with a lot of ideas, hopes and dreams for my life.  more important still, i felt like i had a purpose and a reason.  i believed in something and i felt like whatever happened, God would be in control. 

...and now?

well, continuing on with that whole honesty thing--i don't know what i believe anymore.  i really do want to believe and i wouldn't exactly go so far as to call myself agnostic or anything like that but i...i just don't feel like i know anything anymore.  that, more than anything else, scares me a whole lot. 

i've tried to pray.  i've tried to read the bible.  i've tried the devotional thing....but i guess i just feel drained.  nothing left to give, no motivation to be the good little girl who goes to church/bible study 3 or 4 nights out of the week.  tired of trying to be perfect. 

is it possible to get burnt out on God or "religion"? 

maybe that's it.  for about 5 years of my life i spent the majority of my time trying to live up to certain expectations and now that i don't feel any sort of obligation, it's like i can just relax.  i don't have to worry about guilt for falling short...i can go out with my friends and have fun and know that i've got sunday morning to sleep in...

i don't know.

who am i and how did i really get here?  there are a million things i could blame and i've talked to people about all of this but i just...don't know.

pray for me?

well, tomorrow is gonna be another long day: 8am-7pm pretty much non-stop.  i guess i should get some sleep.

peace--