September 6, 2006

• potentially non-stop ramble

  ever find yourself thinking about some great post you've just got to get on xanga but by the time you have a moment to sit down, it is just gone..?

  earlier today i realized that i've not posted much real here lately and figured it was time for a good, honest post.  (not that anyone cares, but that's ok--xanga is as much for my own venting as anything else.)  but the day went on...classes, homework, running into random people on campus, crazy & unbelievably frustrating zoo at home...and my mind is far from what i'd planned on writing.

  well, let me start with this--i go in tomorrow for my first day as an "intern" at the international institue of akron.  scary.  i'm an intern.  sounds v. strange to me.  it really isn't a big deal though.  not a lot of hours at all and assuming i ever meet with the girl who is kind of running the program that i'll be working with, i think next monday (when it really starts) will be a lot of fun.  i hope, anyway.  don't think i mentioned on here--i'm going to be basically running 2 of the 4 days of an afterschool program called ASPIRE.  a group of ESL kids from the school(s) in the area. 

  hard to believe that this is all really happening.  not only the internship but graduating.  i have 13 1/2 weeks left of under-grad classes. 

  and after that--i'm sure i've mentioned this--i'll probably be taking off the spring & summer then going to Grad School the following fall.  the two main schools i'm looking at right now are NYU and the U of Pittsburgh which has an entire Linguistics department.  not something you see very often. 

  i'm also half-considering about a million other things--other than grad school--but grad school is safest and if i'm being completely honest here, then i've got to admit that i'm more than just a little nervous about the future. 

  what happens if i turn out to be a really awful ESL teacher?  or i hate it for some reason?  what do i do then?  become a copy editor for some little town company?  better yet--work at the akron-summit county public library as a shelver for the rest of my life??  yeah. 

  thinking about all of that leads more towards what i was wanting to write about earlier today::  when i think about my future, it seems a natural thing to then think about my past as well.  four years ago i was a high school senior (is that right??) with a lot of ideas, hopes and dreams for my life.  more important still, i felt like i had a purpose and a reason.  i believed in something and i felt like whatever happened, God would be in control. 

  ...and now?

  well, continuing on with that whole honesty thing--i don't know what i believe anymore.  i really do want to believe and i wouldn't exactly go so far as to call myself agnostic or anything like that but i...i just don't feel like i know anything anymore.  that, more than anything else, scares me a whole lot. 

  i've tried to pray.  i've tried to read the bible.  i've tried the devotional thing....but i guess i just feel drained.  nothing left to give, no motivation to be the good little girl who goes to church/bible study 3 or 4 nights out of the week.  tired of trying to be perfect. 

  is it possible to get burnt out on God or "religion"? 

  maybe that's it.  for about 5 years of my life i spent the majority of my time trying to live up to certain expectations and now that i don't feel any sort of obligation, it's like i can just relax.  i don't have to worry about guilt for falling short...i can go out with my friends and have fun and know that i've got sunday morning to sleep in...

  i don't know.

   

  who am i and how did i really get here?  there are a million things i could blame and i've talked to people about all of this but i just...don't know.

   

  pray for me?

   

   

   

  well, tomorrow is gonna be another long day: 8am-7pm pretty much non-stop.  i guess i should get some sleep.

   

  peace--

   

   

   

   

  • 12:40 am
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