first of all, RAT PACK was competely awesome.  loved it. 

but the tears on my pillow..tonight was the last episode of Gilmore Girls.  i hate endings.  i literally cried through the whole episode.  pathetic?  yeah, i know.  but i’ve been with the show since the beginning and it’s almost like losing someone real.  like my friends have moved away and i can never see them or talk to them again. 

This is promising to to be a very busy week.  Today I woke up early because here in a little bit I have to go to the DMV to get plates for the new car.  Then, I work at the library from 10-3 and tonight I am going to see ((DRUMROLL, PLEASE)) The RAT PACK live at the SANDS.  Ok, so it’s not really at the Sands because, let’s be real, I’m not flying across the country for the evening, and it’s obviously not the “real” RAT PACK because they are uh…no longer with us.  BUT.  That all is beside the point.  This is as close as I can get so let me just say that I literally had tears in my eyes last night–I was so excited.  Yeah.  I’m a dork.  I realize that and I am totally ok with it.  You should be, too. 

Other than that, I’ve got a full schedule of work @ the library, in Canton, and volunteering at the Cafe.  And this weekend, if all goes according to plan, I’m going to Pittsburgh. 

So, yeah.  Good times. 

Warning:  This may be a little random but what else can you really expect when it’s been a month since my last post.

First of all, I STILL don’t have a real job and I’ve got to say, I’m getting frustrated.  To the point, as the title above suggests, that I’m feeling quite lost.  I’ve been on 3 different interviews.  2 at the library and the one with Target.  Target I basically just didn’t hear back from and that’s fine, really, but it’s the library that’s got me the most frustrated.  The first interview was for the branch that I’m currently working at and the main issue there is that the girl who got the job is (and has been) working there for a while and every time I see her, I’m reminded that I didn’t get the position.  The other interview…well, it made me realize that I can do nothing to better my chances of getting a stupid PSA job.  Apparently there are something like 30 external applicants who are not even considered for each of these jobs.  Meaning, they could have 20 years of experience and not even get a call for the interview.  Sucks for them.  Good, I guess, for me since I AM in the system.  However, I am pretty much at the bottom of the food chain in the system.  As far down as you can get in the grand scheme of this process.  With just over a year (you have to have at least a year to apply for a different job) there are obviously a lot of people with more experience.  PLUS, should there ever be an applicant who is currently working a PSA job, they’re pretty much guaranteed the job over a lowly student assistant.  Who cares if I have my degree in English.  They could be a second year Chemistry major but if they’re a PSA, they’re gonna get the job.  At the interview for the 2nd PSA job, I was pretty calm, everything went very smoothly, we were able to talk freely, and I was even told later that the manager was very impressed with me.  But.  I didn’t get the job.  Someone who already has a freakin’ PSA job and simply wanted to move around a bit interviewed and got it.

How is any of that fair??  It’s not.  Yeah, I know.  Life isn’t fair.  But why the heck not??

So.  Partly because of all of that and perhaps, partly because I’ve been watching too much ER and Grey’s, I’ve been thinking about other options.  Namely, going back to school for something completely different and something in which I am guaranteed a job.  That is–nursing.  Now.  The kicker here is, my first semester of college I was a nursing major and decided to transfer out.  To become an English major.  Yeah.  Brilliant, right?  So here I am.  Getting thoroughly disgusted with the lack of job prospects.  And I’m thinking about literally going backwards.  I swear, if this is what I end up doing–the nursing thing, I mean–I am going to be thoroughly disgusted with MYSELF.  But hey, if I do decide it’s what I want to do, and I end up liking it after all…then…I suppose it will be worth it.  Right?  Please tell me that there must have been some “lesson” or some “reason” why I went through all of my English stuff only to graduate with a BA and then turn around and go back to school for nursing.  Tell me I didn’t waste 3 years of my life.  Please.

But anyway, that is indeed one of the options I’ve been considering.  If I decide to go for it, my plan, I’m guessing, would be to take just a couple of classes at a time (pre-reqs for Akron) and then hit the accelerated nursing program running to get done as quickly as possible. 

My other thoughts have included to go on as originally planned (when I graduated with English)–find a full time job SOMEHOW and then start applying for masters in TESOL.  My idea there is to go somewhere where I can (hopefully) get an assistantship.

Geez.  Growing up really stinks.  I hate this feeling of being lost.  So many of my friends have just sort of fallen into seemingly perfect lives.  I mean, I know that they have their own struggles and issues to deal with, but they’ve at least got a dream or a goal in mind.  I, on the other hand, feel like I’m just kind of making it up as I go along.  I’ve always envied people with dreams.  I’ve always been more inclined to like a lot of different things a little bit rather than one specific thing a great deal.  In pretty much every area of my life, I’m like that, now that I think about it.  It’s really quite scary. 

In other news–since I’m on this forever long rant, I’ll mention one more thing–I think I’m finally starting to figure out what I believe again.  I haven’t made any huge changes in my life (which I KNOW I need to do) but I feel like the little steps are actually heading the the right direction for once.  This is good.  Very.  I need to get back to that place of faith.  I miss it.  But the thing that most people don’t seem to realize is that it isn’t just a decision.  You can’t just decide to believe something.  You don’t wake up one morning and have a completely different mindset about life and the way things are.  It just doesn’t work that way.  I think that a lot of believers (whether Christian, Muslim, or whatever) who have grown up in their particular faith, don’t realize what a struggle it can be for a nonbeliever to get to the point of Faith.  Faith is not something you can decide to have.  It is either there.  Or it isn’t.  And I think the most difficult position to be in is the one where you WANT to believe, but can’t.  For whatever reason. 

Ok.  I’m done now.  I think.

Yes.  For now.

Peace–